Anxiety

Re-sharing this because it’s how I feel just now, and I reckon other people might do too. So this is a timely reminder to us all that we’re probably all/will probably all be okay. We’re stronger than we think.

Struggling now particularly with reading so much utter crap about autism. It’s been an ongoing thing for years and years – reading stuff, getting angry because it’s wrong, getting angry at NTs, at therapists, at researchers, at other autistics – but trying to make it fit because it’s supposed to be where I belong (& in a lot of ways, it really is – I just think the politics is naff) … makes me pretty sure there’s something wrong with me. Also makes me realise how much there is to do – which makes me feel pulled in like a million different directions, and think I’m probably totally inadequate for the task. Ugh … so self-pitying. Anyway – enough weirdness and introspection – I’ve got stuff to do, and as I wrote in this blog originally – “life is good”. It really is. Onward.

thequestioningaspie

This post is ‘in the moment’ and it’s ‘of the moment’. It’s painting my feelings with words – making them real, making marks with them and taming them.

There’s no rhyme or reason to this current state of being. A day of love and sunshine shouldn’t end like this. There’s no trauma, no tragedy. Nothing tangible or named to rationalise and fight against.

It’s a battle, but who is the enemy?

The enemy is a shapeless, shadowy force that is making my stomach churn, and my fingers and toes into ice-cold. It’s making me stare ahead while the world goes past at high speed, tipping forwards, wanting to fall into the void. It’s making me flick my fingers in front of my face and clap my hands in front of my eyes like a seal, although I know people can see. It’s making me stutter and repeat my words like I’m…

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